Scary

Because i just finished self isolation and now still can't go to the lab due to EMCO here and now lockdown, i have a lot of time in my hands. i have been at home for more than 2 weeks. It's really getting at me.

 So what do i do with all this time.

For most of it i'm trying to be productive and get things done while i can, so when i enter the lab, i can focus on my labwork. But at other times, i've been reflecting and researching so many different psychological concepts and theories and now all i want is therapy. HAHA

I just want to be a good person. But that's not easy at all. I think in our society, we either believe we are worthless or too worthy. 

To get the perfect balance and really know where we stand, to really understand ourselves and know when to step back and reflect or when to stand up and defend ourselves, I think this is extremely difficult.

That line is becoming more and more ambiguous and blurred for me. When is it actually okay to be firm, and when is it time to realize we should mellow down a bit?

Weirdly these thoughts are really taunting and scary the heck out of me.

I'm so scared that i thought i am a good person but actually isn't, or maybe i put myself down too much when i'm actually quite okay.

I think this happened because of my intense desire to be good, to do good. Do you know what's wrong with these thoughts ? i keep measuring them based on other people. If people like me, if they're my friend, i must be good somehow right ? but if people just decide to take step back from me, i'll be like what's wrong with me. (i hate me for doing this to others, why? reason below)

And everytime i take any action into my own hands, my  mind collapses, cause its just not strong enough to handle the burden of any decision that me myself is still unsure of. The thing is i will never be sure. Like i said, the line is very blurred for me, so i can't really see. Do you get what i mean here ?

I am more emotional than i am rational, and that makes it even more complicated. Because emotions can rise and be subdued, it's ever changing. The rational mind is what's best for decision making especially when it comes to life, when it comes to people.

But i'm not rational enough, i want to be, but i'm not there yet. I guess i'm still immature somehow. I' stuck in my own little maze that i made, but i don't know how to get out. It's suffocating here, but i don't know where to reach out. 

My mind is my own, and my own alone. No one can help me, but me.

I need to grow up somehow, need to mature.