Hakuna Matata

 as i age and continue to work, time seems to fly extra fast, everything is going by in a flash, i feel like rocks keep being thrown at me and over time i cant avoid it anymore and now im buried under it, while trying to remove some of it one by one, just to see some sunlight. I feel like its funny, when i was growing up, grown up look hella awesome, like they have all their shit together, and life is a breeze, cause they look like they know everything. But apparently, it was either they were good at acting, or my point of view was from a rose coloured lens, or, they actually did have their shot together back in the day, cause damn, i dont have my shit together at all, i feel like i am struggling to manage my work, my social life, my health, my growth, my familial relationship, being a daughter, being an aunt, being a sister, oh god how i wish to be a cat.  me saying all this while actually sitting in a cafe on a sunday and trying to get a head start to my work on monday cause...

 Before i get too busy and forget to etch these emotion into letters, i am taking the time today to let my feelings flow into writings. I have always known that i am a sentimental emotional person, but sometimes it does take me by surprise, cause it really doesnt take a lot for me to feel emotionally attached or connected. My first batch of students ever in my life has reached the end of their journey in classes and have all left for their industrial attachment. Honestly everything felt so surreal, i have been having flashbacks of the little moments with them. They were my sign of growth, proof that i tried my best to do better and give my best despite my mountains of lacking. i hope my sincerity came across clearly and i hope i did them justice. I still remember how flustered and weird i was in the first class, i went back to my office and ruminated the nonsense i spewed over and over again, regretting how stupid i might look to them. And with the following classes of that subject...

Once, my words were rivers, flowing freely into your hands, laughter echoing in shared spaces, secrets blooming in the quiet. Now, the echoes fade to whispers, half-heard, half-held, half-lost. Some of you have vanished like dusk, and those who remain their ears are full of everything but me. I try to speak, but my voice dissolves, drowned in the weight of what’s missing. I used to offer my heart in handfuls, but now, I keep some for myself. So I sit with my unspoken thoughts, not as a prisoner, but as a friend. I am learning the language of solitude, not as a burden, but as a gift. Even in silence, I still exist. Even alone, I still grow.

Fascinatingly, life at this age really boils down to the little moments. Yesterday we had our faculty meeting and finally my name was brought up to confirm my upcoming students. It warmed and tingled my heart inside as last year i was looking at colleagues names and thinking how amazing are these people, able to get students left and right. will i be able to do that, was my thoughts. Alhamdulillah i am slowly getting there. This is a testament to no matter how hard things are, or stuck i feel, suddenly things just pass by and you are already moving forward leaving the past behind and builidng a new future. The endless misery somehow seems to lead us somewhere. maybe the so called misery isnt really misery, of course it isnt, that is just how i feel, it is actually a journey in life meant to shape us somehow.  Life is honestly magical, and magical doesnt necessarily mean all butterflies and sunshine, the rough patches and dark tunnels also seem to lead to a meanigful place, that we ...

as much as we want to be strong, independent and self-reliant, we are just mere human beings who can achieve things alone, but achieve much more together, whether getting help physically or just emotionally we need other people. I have always been expressive of my feelings, as that is how i set it free and reduce the burden, sometimes i write about but most of the time i talk about it, and these days i find myself holding back everytime i try to talk about it. This has always been a consistent issue about me and i know this too well, i will stop myself from opening up further or spilling my heart out if no one asks or gauges me, if no one shows interest or concern, it's like i need to assure that me talking is worth their time, cause if it's not, i'd rather not. The slightly scary part to me is, I'm getting good at keeping things to myself, not expressing it, and it kinda feels like a nuisance to talk about it sometimes. it would be dramatic if i say, that i don't h...

Funny enough, 2024 went by so fast, a lot of things has happened and change. i have been working for a year, such a shocker, i am happy and fulfilled but unbelievably tired all the freaking time. I am happy that my career is a very dynamic one, but i cannot deny how it is very demanding as well.  Family-wise, things has been much calmer and more at peace this year since i have moved closer to my family. i expected this outcome already, but again it does come with a toll in which my social activity is increasing and that is also tiring me out but in a very good way, i am grateful for sure, not complaining. Friendship-wise, it is great to be near to my friends that i grew up with, but i definitely miss the friends and the relationships i left behind, they were such an integral part of me, and it  has not been easy to accept this change. welcoming new things also means learning to let go of things of the past, not in the way of leaving behind out of hate or despise, but just acce...

 31 honestly came so fast, and it also passed by like a big blur. Maybe because it was during raya, but my birthday this year, did not feel all that special, maybe because i did  not celebrate myself, like i did last year. maybe also because i miss those friends who will always throw a trio party for birthdays. maybe i have gotten used to the best things about birthdays that i forgot that this is how it usually is. these past years my birthdays have been really fun and beautiful moments were created with friends and family and maybe this year is a time to be grateful for being able to experience those colourful moments. i will cherish those moments from the past and be grateful for another year of life. lets not be dramatic and act like a child okay shak ? but i am truly grateful for the spa sessions and coffee from some friends. and of course wishes from nieces and nephews and friends mean a lot to me too. 30 signing off, and welcoming 31, may Allah bless this year with goodn...