still just a human

as much as we want to be strong, independent and self-reliant, we are just mere human beings who can achieve things alone, but achieve much more together, whether getting help physically or just emotionally we need other people.

I have always been expressive of my feelings, as that is how i set it free and reduce the burden, sometimes i write about but most of the time i talk about it, and these days i find myself holding back everytime i try to talk about it. This has always been a consistent issue about me and i know this too well, i will stop myself from opening up further or spilling my heart out if no one asks or gauges me, if no one shows interest or concern, it's like i need to assure that me talking is worth their time, cause if it's not, i'd rather not.

The slightly scary part to me is, I'm getting good at keeping things to myself, not expressing it, and it kinda feels like a nuisance to talk about it sometimes. it would be dramatic if i say, that i don't have time to talk about it, my mind is way too occupied these days, that i wish i could just delete the emotion parts out. 

A friend of mine asked me what my goal for 2025 is, at the end of 2024, i was so excited to plan for 2025 and try to get my life together a bit, but then reality hits and here i am, still at the same spot, working like there's no end, and no 2025 plan whatsoever, ironically today is the last day of January. Anyways, in that moment, the only answer i could think of, which i believe came from a really desperate place, was to feel more stable at work, I'm not aiming to be good or amazing, i just want to make sure i can actually do it first, i wanna feel that i am able to do it. 

Right now i am just a zombie who just does everything that needs to be done. I am just moving forward blindly, sometimes i hear voices telling me to go here and to go there, and sometimes i hit walls here and there, but i am still unable to open my eyes and see forward, I'm still moving blindly. till when ? who knows ? there really is no other choice than to keep moving forward.

At times like this, i go back to my principle in life which is 1. just do it, keep moving forward, as you try to move forward you will eventually get somewhere and the second one is 2. it's not that deep. it really isn't that deep, at the end of the day, this is all worldly stuff, of course, you still have to do your best, but is it worth ruining everything to achieve one worldly stuff. I think these things have help me move forward and dealing myself once in awhile to what actually matters. Do my best but not compromise good values and virtues along the way. although people don't see it, god is always there watching over.

Bye January, you were a whirlwind.