29 is too much too handle

has any year feel as bad as this year
has it really ?
last year was hella difficult too, like believe me
but at least it was seasonal and it was empowering
and obviously a good lesson and a good experience
but what the heck is all this ?
why is this year generally so difficult
i feel like i'm being attacked from every possible angle
I dont cry a lot, but i drop a tear everyday
Life feels sad, futile and kind of empty
OMG i am grateful, like i am blessed in so many ways
i have family, i have caring friends, i have good surroundings in general
i have a home, i have food and i can have coffee when i want,
alhamdulillah
but i feel sad, for no reason and for every reason
everytime i meet people, i'm putting my act up
my daily rise and shine personality
but when i get home, or when i'm alone, 
i am in a state of sadness and pity
everytime anyone calls or texts me
honestly i dread it everytime
i use to look forward to some people
but even those select few requires a lot of energy for me to pickup these days,
right now, i really want to be swallowed and embraced by darkness
i want to be absent, to not exist, to pause, to stop
i'm tired
nope actually i'm more than tired
i am absolutely exhausted with life
distractions work for now, 
but how long will this phase last,
i really need to move forward.
i need to, i must.

i must stand, but i really wish i could lean, i wish i had help and support. i need a hug.