Hakuna Matata

Once, my words were rivers, flowing freely into your hands, laughter echoing in shared spaces, secrets blooming in the quiet. Now, the echoes fade to whispers, half-heard, half-held, half-lost. Some of you have vanished like dusk, and those who remain— their ears are full of everything but me. I try to speak, but my voice dissolves, drowned in the weight of what’s missing. I used to offer my heart in handfuls, but now, I keep some for myself. So I sit with my unspoken thoughts, not as a prisoner, but as a friend. I am learning the language of solitude, not as a burden, but as a gift. Even in silence, I still exist. Even alone, I still grow.

Fascinatingly, life at this age really boils down to the little moments. Yesterday we had our faculty meeting and finally my name was brought up to confirm my upcoming students. It warmed and tingled my heart inside as last year i was looking at colleagues names and thinking how amazing are these people, able to get students left and right. will i be able to do that, was my thoughts. Alhamdulillah i am slowly getting there. This is a testament to no matter how hard things are, or stuck i feel, suddenly things just pass by and you are already moving forward leaving the past behind and builidng a new future. The endless misery somehow seems to lead us somewhere. maybe the so called misery isnt really misery, of course it isnt, that is just how i feel, it is actually a journey in life meant to shape us somehow.  Life is honestly magical, and magical doesnt necessarily mean all butterflies and sunshine, the rough patches and dark tunnels also seem to lead to a meanigful place, that we ...

as much as we want to be strong, independent and self-reliant, we are just mere human beings who can achieve things alone, but achieve much more together, whether getting help physically or just emotionally we need other people. I have always been expressive of my feelings, as that is how i set it free and reduce the burden, sometimes i write about but most of the time i talk about it, and these days i find myself holding back everytime i try to talk about it. This has always been a consistent issue about me and i know this too well, i will stop myself from opening up further or spilling my heart out if no one asks or gauges me, if no one shows interest or concern, it's like i need to assure that me talking is worth their time, cause if it's not, i'd rather not. The slightly scary part to me is, I'm getting good at keeping things to myself, not expressing it, and it kinda feels like a nuisance to talk about it sometimes. it would be dramatic if i say, that i don't h...

Funny enough, 2024 went by so fast, a lot of things has happened and change. i have been working for a year, such a shocker, i am happy and fulfilled but unbelievably tired all the freaking time. I am happy that my career is a very dynamic one, but i cannot deny how it is very demanding as well.  Family-wise, things has been much calmer and more at peace this year since i have moved closer to my family. i expected this outcome already, but again it does come with a toll in which my social activity is increasing and that is also tiring me out but in a very good way, i am grateful for sure, not complaining. Friendship-wise, it is great to be near to my friends that i grew up with, but i definitely miss the friends and the relationships i left behind, they were such an integral part of me, and it  has not been easy to accept this change. welcoming new things also means learning to let go of things of the past, not in the way of leaving behind out of hate or despise, but just acce...

 31 honestly came so fast, and it also passed by like a big blur. Maybe because it was during raya, but my birthday this year, did not feel all that special, maybe because i did  not celebrate myself, like i did last year. maybe also because i miss those friends who will always throw a trio party for birthdays. maybe i have gotten used to the best things about birthdays that i forgot that this is how it usually is. these past years my birthdays have been really fun and beautiful moments were created with friends and family and maybe this year is a time to be grateful for being able to experience those colourful moments. i will cherish those moments from the past and be grateful for another year of life. lets not be dramatic and act like a child okay shak ? but i am truly grateful for the spa sessions and coffee from some friends. and of course wishes from nieces and nephews and friends mean a lot to me too. 30 signing off, and welcoming 31, may Allah bless this year with goodn...

 i discovered something in the past few days, and i thought it was funny initially, but i realized i am actually quite bothered by it. It's a really complex emotion.  I feel confused, i am kinda disappointed and i am also sad, but mostly i am actually hella shook. what i feel isn't really directly related to me kind of emotion but a more to, like what happened here ? how did things change this drastically. Talking about change, i shouldn't actually be that shocked, cause what my life has presented with me so far is much much more dramatic than this tiny thing for sure. But i think i'm way too numb, i can easily discredit everything like it's nothing. you know that type of person that shares with you the most sad depressing thing you've heard, but they talk about it as if its just another daily discomfort, i am that person. i have honestly reached that point. But i'm so glad i have very good friends that can see through my stupid facade and actually help me f...

Be consistent in showing your appreciation, your love, your attention to the people you care about. Reciprocate their efforts in making you happy, compromising with you and reaching out to you. Have a good heart that knows the boundaries of being selfish and selfless. Have enough common sense to be kind to people, consider other people and not be selfish trying to maintain boundaries that obviously weighs more on being selfish. Boundaries are good, dont get me wrong, but dont lie to yourself, saying this is your boundary just to justify you being selfish. Being selfish and having boundaries are two different things separated by a very thin line. think wisely