Hakuna Matata

 31 honestly came so fast, and it also passed by like a big blur. Maybe because it was during raya, but my birthday this year, did not feel all that special, maybe because i did  not celebrate myself, like i did last year. maybe also because i miss those friends who will always throw a trio party for birthdays. maybe i have gotten used to the best things about birthdays that i forgot that this is how it usually is. these past years my birthdays have been really fun and beautiful moments were created with friends and family and maybe this year is a time to be grateful for being able to experience those colourful moments. i will cherish those moments from the past and be grateful for another year of life. lets not be dramatic and act like a child okay shak ? but i am truly grateful for the spa sessions and coffee from some friends. and of course wishes from nieces and nephews and friends mean a lot to me too. 30 signing off, and welcoming 31, may Allah bless this year with goodness and h

 i discovered something in the past few days, and i thought it was funny initially, but i realized i am actually quite bothered by it. It's a really complex emotion.  I feel confused, i am kinda disappointed and i am also sad, but mostly i am actually hella shook. what i feel isn't really directly related to me kind of emotion but a more to, like what happened here ? how did things change this drastically. Talking about change, i shouldn't actually be that shocked, cause what my life has presented with me so far is much much more dramatic than this tiny thing for sure. But i think i'm way too numb, i can easily discredit everything like it's nothing. you know that type of person that shares with you the most sad depressing thing you've heard, but they talk about it as if its just another daily discomfort, i am that person. i have honestly reached that point. But i'm so glad i have very good friends that can see through my stupid facade and actually help me f

Be consistent in showing your appreciation, your love, your attention to the people you care about. Reciprocate their efforts in making you happy, compromising with you and reaching out to you. Have a good heart that knows the boundaries of being selfish and selfless. Have enough common sense to be kind to people, consider other people and not be selfish trying to maintain boundaries that obviously weighs more on being selfish. Boundaries are good, dont get me wrong, but dont lie to yourself, saying this is your boundary just to justify you being selfish. Being selfish and having boundaries are two different things separated by a very thin line. think wisely

 Hello there I am the type of person who brings wet tissue and dry tissue in my handbag always. Initially i just put it there just in case i might need it. But these days i'm realizing a bigger reason why i want to keep on carrying these tissues with me, and the reason is to help other people. I feel so damn proud of myself when it happens I pushed my dad in his wheelchair to the cafeteria, bought some coffee and croissant. Just as we're about to eat, i brought out my wet tissue for him to clean his hand. i was so happy because of that. i made it easier for him because i had it in my bag. The amount of times i was able to offer my tissue to dry someone's tears is uncountable nowadays. I can't really say much nor do i ask much when someone cries, but i hope they know i am with them through whatever difficulty they are having. Through me offering my tissue, i hope they feel that i care for them. Funny thing is these days, everytime anyone cries in front of me, i tend to c

i miss you tami. i'm starting to miss meh (my grandma) too. i dreamt of meh the other day, she hugged me, and kissed my cheeks, i hugged her and kissed her cheeks too. her hug was so warm it felt so real. i woke up crying my heart out i am overwhelmed and touched am i doing well meh ? i hope i am. i hope you and tami are doing well too. one day we'll see each other again.

Getami has left us, left this world on a Friday evening of the 2nd of December 2022. I will miss and remember everything about tami, my sweet sweet tami. He has the cutest smile and the strongest memory. Every time i visit him, he knows what i'm currently doing, he remembers the names of my nieces and nephews. I remember him writing all significant dates of events and phone numbers on his bedroom wall, one of it was the date of my grandma's passing. Honestly because of him i remember she passed on february 2004. He used to enjoy smoking tembakau with a rolled news paper or that leafy thing that kinda smells nice whatever that is. In the old house he used to lie outside in the evening on the green floor and talk super loudly and when we asked him who he's talking to, he would say he is talking to the devil, (pretty sure he's in heaven tho) which is really funny and borderline scary to me when i was a kid. He would always buy chewing gum for us back in the day when chewin

 ya Allah am i really that strong ? i see you've given me tests after tests after test. can i really make it out of all of these test and be okay ? am i really that able ? i feel like i breakdown way too much is this okay ? am i really doing well ? Do you think i'm handling these tests well ? i feel so weak, i smile to everyone and cry everytime i turn am i faking it or is this just the way to handle all of this ? honestly i have no idea.  i've been on autopilot mode since longer than i can remember please guide me and give me strength. please lead me into the right direction, towards the right decision, closer and closer to peace and love. i plead to you Allah. help me.