as 2020 comes to an end

 it's been one heck of a year for everyone. The world has faced so much together and we ourselves have faced so much personally hence the result is a hella crazy year. So so so much as been going on in my life its seriously crazy, unbearable and sometimes happy too. What a weird year it is. I've received good news, bad news, went through shit and found rainbows. But the shit that happened this year is like the stinkiest shit ever. like ever. no joke. But the rainbows were equally beautiful and pretty too. i honestly am confused about how i feel. One thing's for sure, I'm grateful. The bad things, made me feel sad, brought me down but in the end it brought me peace. While the rainbow, was pretty to the eye, yet comes with pressure to do my best. and the combination of these feelings and events kinda gave birth to a new me.

Point is, 2020 is super weird. the biggest problem now is i have no idea how to move forward. Like what do i have to do to push things into a better direction? is everything really in my control? can i just do some thing and it will go my way? i'm truly afraid of hurting myself more, i think 2020 left me a bit traumatized hence a bit selfish. 

I want to be happy and i think i can be happy. at least i know how i can try to be happy. but weirdly some people think that my definition of happiness isn't right, so they try to steal or stop me from having that happiness. Is it truly truly ultimately wrong to be a bit selfish to be happy ? Must we really always be selfless ? Can't i take care of my heart better so that i can use my heart better ? I just think the more my heart is wounded, the bitter it is and the harder it is to be fully available to give my heart and put my heart to good use and do good deeds and be selfless. Can't i be selfish now and selfless later when i heal and treat my heart properly with my choices. Can't i choose what i want for myself instead of always trying to fit into the mold of what other people want from me ? Is my opinion and thoughts so wrong ?

Damn adulting. I used to be confident in my choices, now i feel stupid and scared. What the heck? 

Life isn't that bad, but the adult mind is just a little messed up ya know. We seem okay, we act okay, we kinda feel okay too, but these things just go through our minds all the time. But we're fine. it's just a bit hard to figure out the next step when our mind is this complicated. or is it just my mind ? HAHA

Being kids is just really the best time ever, like ever ever. the period from primary school to university is the best time ever, ever. Money doesn't really make a lot of things better. Well in my case it does, cause i get to be independent and give less power to those who try to dictate my life. Well, the conclusion is, the quality of every other joy drops while the money is the only quality in our life that is enhanced as adults. Do you get what i mean? maybe not. But whatever, cause this is just how complicated and messed up my mind is this year. I feel like i'm floating with no sense of direction

Regardless, Happy 2021

To a better year for all of us. Aaaaameeen.