Again, words.
"What are words if you really don't mean them when you say them, what are words if they're only only for good times and that's all"
-Chris Medina
I have been listening to this song during my high school days, and i remember these lyrics clearly until today. These words are true, we spit out all sorts of words without considering the kind of hope we spark and enlighten in someone's heart, sometimes we fulfill it, sometimes we don't. Imagine the hopelessness and broken hearts we caused by the hopes we accidentally gave out with no sense of responsibility to fulfill them.
I want to blame someone for the way that i am made. I always feel like I'm a difficult person to my family, friends, or whoever who tries to get closer. I feel like i push people away, and i built walls so high that everyone finally just gives up.
But that's the thing, i don't know how to let people in easily. The only path is the rough path i created and only i know all the tests and tribulations. Once i feel like they've worked hard enough, then only i allow them close to my heart.
Is this fear ? like a fear of abandonment or something, that's why i don't let people close, so i don't feel anything when they leave. I guess so, because i'm emotional, i feel too much, love too much and care too much so i probably can't bear the pain of being left behind.
HAHAHA, what am i doing now? being my own shrink or what.
I wonder, will there be a day when i truly understand myself?
I'm scared to value myself too much that i push people away, but i'm scared i undervalue myself and allow undeserving people near me too. I wish i had SOPs for my heart or my thoughts or life in general, then everything would be in its place and i can't question. But that's not life is it? that's probably a game.
Deep down i know, the only solace is God and praying to him. I'll keep doing that in hopes that one day i truly reach a peaceful place in my heart and accept everything around me. Allah knows best.
Comments