Hakuna Matata

 as i age and continue to work, time seems to fly extra fast, everything is going by in a flash, i feel like rocks keep being thrown at me and over time i cant avoid it anymore and now im buried under it, while trying to remove some of it one by one, just to see some sunlight. I feel like its funny, when i was growing up, grown up look hella awesome, like they have all their shit together, and life is a breeze, cause they look like they know everything. But apparently, it was either they were good at acting, or my point of view was from a rose coloured lens, or, they actually did have their shit together back in the day, cause damn, i dont have my shit together at all, i feel like i am struggling to manage my work, my social life, my health, my growth, my familial relationship, being a daughter, being an aunt, being a sister, oh god how i wish to be a cat.  me saying all this while actually sitting in a cafe on a sunday and trying to get a head start to my work on monday cause...

 Before i get too busy and forget to etch these emotion into letters, i am taking the time today to let my feelings flow into writings. I have always known that i am a sentimental emotional person, but sometimes it does take me by surprise, cause it really doesnt take a lot for me to feel emotionally attached or connected. My first batch of students ever in my life has reached the end of their journey in classes and have all left for their industrial attachment. Honestly everything felt so surreal, i have been having flashbacks of the little moments with them. They were my sign of growth, proof that i tried my best to do better and give my best despite my mountains of lacking. i hope my sincerity came across clearly and i hope i did them justice. I still remember how flustered and weird i was in the first class, i went back to my office and ruminated the nonsense i spewed over and over again, regretting how stupid i might look to them. And with the following classes of that subject...

Once, my words were rivers, flowing freely into your hands, laughter echoing in shared spaces, secrets blooming in the quiet. Now, the echoes fade to whispers, half-heard, half-held, half-lost. Some of you have vanished like dusk, and those who remain their ears are full of everything but me. I try to speak, but my voice dissolves, drowned in the weight of what’s missing. I used to offer my heart in handfuls, but now, I keep some for myself. So I sit with my unspoken thoughts, not as a prisoner, but as a friend. I am learning the language of solitude, not as a burden, but as a gift. Even in silence, I still exist. Even alone, I still grow.

Fascinatingly, life at this age really boils down to the little moments. Yesterday we had our faculty meeting and finally my name was brought up to confirm my upcoming students. It warmed and tingled my heart inside as last year i was looking at colleagues names and thinking how amazing are these people, able to get students left and right. will i be able to do that, was my thoughts. Alhamdulillah i am slowly getting there. This is a testament to no matter how hard things are, or stuck i feel, suddenly things just pass by and you are already moving forward leaving the past behind and builidng a new future. The endless misery somehow seems to lead us somewhere. maybe the so called misery isnt really misery, of course it isnt, that is just how i feel, it is actually a journey in life meant to shape us somehow.  Life is honestly magical, and magical doesnt necessarily mean all butterflies and sunshine, the rough patches and dark tunnels also seem to lead to a meanigful place, that we ...

as much as we want to be strong, independent and self-reliant, we are just mere human beings who can achieve things alone, but achieve much more together, whether getting help physically or just emotionally we need other people. I have always been expressive of my feelings, as that is how i set it free and reduce the burden, sometimes i write about but most of the time i talk about it, and these days i find myself holding back everytime i try to talk about it. This has always been a consistent issue about me and i know this too well, i will stop myself from opening up further or spilling my heart out if no one asks or gauges me, if no one shows interest or concern, it's like i need to assure that me talking is worth their time, cause if it's not, i'd rather not. The slightly scary part to me is, I'm getting good at keeping things to myself, not expressing it, and it kinda feels like a nuisance to talk about it sometimes. it would be dramatic if i say, that i don't h...

Funny enough, 2024 went by so fast, a lot of things has happened and change. i have been working for a year, such a shocker, i am happy and fulfilled but unbelievably tired all the freaking time. I am happy that my career is a very dynamic one, but i cannot deny how it is very demanding as well.  Family-wise, things has been much calmer and more at peace this year since i have moved closer to my family. i expected this outcome already, but again it does come with a toll in which my social activity is increasing and that is also tiring me out but in a very good way, i am grateful for sure, not complaining. Friendship-wise, it is great to be near to my friends that i grew up with, but i definitely miss the friends and the relationships i left behind, they were such an integral part of me, and it  has not been easy to accept this change. welcoming new things also means learning to let go of things of the past, not in the way of leaving behind out of hate or despise, but just acce...

 31 honestly came so fast, and it also passed by like a big blur. Maybe because it was during raya, but my birthday this year, did not feel all that special, maybe because i did  not celebrate myself, like i did last year. maybe also because i miss those friends who will always throw a trio party for birthdays. maybe i have gotten used to the best things about birthdays that i forgot that this is how it usually is. these past years my birthdays have been really fun and beautiful moments were created with friends and family and maybe this year is a time to be grateful for being able to experience those colourful moments. i will cherish those moments from the past and be grateful for another year of life. lets not be dramatic and act like a child okay shak ? but i am truly grateful for the spa sessions and coffee from some friends. and of course wishes from nieces and nephews and friends mean a lot to me too. 30 signing off, and welcoming 31, may Allah bless this year with goodn...

 i discovered something in the past few days, and i thought it was funny initially, but i realized i am actually quite bothered by it. It's a really complex emotion.  I feel confused, i am kinda disappointed and i am also sad, but mostly i am actually hella shook. what i feel isn't really directly related to me kind of emotion but a more to, like what happened here ? how did things change this drastically. Talking about change, i shouldn't actually be that shocked, cause what my life has presented with me so far is much much more dramatic than this tiny thing for sure. But i think i'm way too numb, i can easily discredit everything like it's nothing. you know that type of person that shares with you the most sad depressing thing you've heard, but they talk about it as if its just another daily discomfort, i am that person. i have honestly reached that point. But i'm so glad i have very good friends that can see through my stupid facade and actually help me f...

Be consistent in showing your appreciation, your love, your attention to the people you care about. Reciprocate their efforts in making you happy, compromising with you and reaching out to you. Have a good heart that knows the boundaries of being selfish and selfless. Have enough common sense to be kind to people, consider other people and not be selfish trying to maintain boundaries that obviously weighs more on being selfish. Boundaries are good, dont get me wrong, but dont lie to yourself, saying this is your boundary just to justify you being selfish. Being selfish and having boundaries are two different things separated by a very thin line. think wisely

 Hello there I am the type of person who brings wet tissue and dry tissue in my handbag always. Initially i just put it there just in case i might need it. But these days i'm realizing a bigger reason why i want to keep on carrying these tissues with me, and the reason is to help other people. I feel so damn proud of myself when it happens I pushed my dad in his wheelchair to the cafeteria, bought some coffee and croissant. Just as we're about to eat, i brought out my wet tissue for him to clean his hand. i was so happy because of that. i made it easier for him because i had it in my bag. The amount of times i was able to offer my tissue to dry someone's tears is uncountable nowadays. I can't really say much nor do i ask much when someone cries, but i hope they know i am with them through whatever difficulty they are having. Through me offering my tissue, i hope they feel that i care for them. Funny thing is these days, everytime anyone cries in front of me, i tend to c...

i miss you tami. i'm starting to miss meh (my grandma) too. i dreamt of meh the other day, she hugged me, and kissed my cheeks, i hugged her and kissed her cheeks too. her hug was so warm it felt so real. i woke up crying my heart out i am overwhelmed and touched am i doing well meh ? i hope i am. i hope you and tami are doing well too. one day we'll see each other again.

Getami has left us, left this world on a Friday evening of the 2nd of December 2022. I will miss and remember everything about tami, my sweet sweet tami. He has the cutest smile and the strongest memory. Every time i visit him, he knows what i'm currently doing, he remembers the names of my nieces and nephews. I remember him writing all significant dates of events and phone numbers on his bedroom wall, one of it was the date of my grandma's passing. Honestly because of him i remember she passed on february 2004. He used to enjoy smoking tembakau with a rolled news paper or that leafy thing that kinda smells nice whatever that is. In the old house he used to lie outside in the evening on the green floor and talk super loudly and when we asked him who he's talking to, he would say he is talking to the devil, (pretty sure he's in heaven tho) which is really funny and borderline scary to me when i was a kid. He would always buy chewing gum for us back in the day when chewin...

 ya Allah am i really that strong ? i see you've given me tests after tests after test. can i really make it out of all of these test and be okay ? am i really that able ? i feel like i breakdown way too much is this okay ? am i really doing well ? Do you think i'm handling these tests well ? i feel so weak, i smile to everyone and cry everytime i turn am i faking it or is this just the way to handle all of this ? honestly i have no idea.  i've been on autopilot mode since longer than i can remember please guide me and give me strength. please lead me into the right direction, towards the right decision, closer and closer to peace and love. i plead to you Allah. help me.

currently unable to walk, and rely on people a lot and mentally i'm not that frustrated with myself, like it's just a phase and i'm okay. my problem is, i keep getting worried that i might bother other people. there was something i googled earlier in the day and now that i think about it i'm sad. i googled ' how to be a good sick person' and guess what, there were no answers,  google only gave me how to be good TO a sick person.  why am i built full of guilt ?

has any year feel as bad as this year has it really ? last year was hella difficult too, like believe me but at least it was seasonal and it was empowering and obviously a good lesson and a good experience but what the heck is all this ? why is this year generally so difficult i feel like i'm being attacked from every possible angle I dont cry a lot, but i drop a tear everyday Life feels sad, futile and kind of empty OMG i am grateful, like i am blessed in so many ways i have family, i have caring friends, i have good surroundings in general i have a home, i have food and i can have coffee when i want, alhamdulillah but i feel sad, for no reason and for every reason everytime i meet people, i'm putting my act up my daily rise and shine personality but when i get home, or when i'm alone,  i am in a state of sadness and pity everytime anyone calls or texts me honestly i dread it everytime i use to look forward to some people but even those select few requires a lot of energy ...

 A friend of mine passed today. I've known her for quite sometime. We were never close or anything, but we were always around each other for quite awhile. Her room was facing mine during foundation, she was my course mate throughout degree, and our rooms were facing each other during our master's degree.  Life just seems so futile today, but not in a bad way, it's futile in a sense that it is reminding me of how this world is not the end, we are all just passing through it, to get to the other end of this life, the hereafter. She's a very kind person, and i truly pray that Allah grants her jannah. This incident is just making me reflect a lot on my life and my vain contribution and hardwork towards akhirah. I really dont feel that ive been doing much at all. Do better shakirah Please do better You have time But not for long.

i lied i never did recover not sure if i ever will pain hurts you deeply, wildly into the crevices of your soul i want to be good person maybe even a great person  a person that leaves a luminous print on people's hearts and minds  but now i give up  i barely have a soul to hang on to  and clearly no soul to share  i truly wonder how i keep this facade  this strong, good willed, brave mature, caring, sensible facade  what a character i've carried  but i'm truly tired now  i just want to leave this body  lean back  and watch my life story unfold  I don't want to be apart of this anymore. 

 k done i have recovered go ahead, gimme your best shot pipol ! i want fall, i'll get hurt a bit, but i'll be fine as i always do you can do this same thing over and over again i will still be fine with every pain you give i keep judging you analyzing you profiling you and categorizing you into something less and less important less important emotionally all i have is a basic sense of respect from human to human from a younger person to an older one nothing more than that it's sad but it is what is you cannot hurt people and expect them to take you and love you as you are cruel things, bad things you've done will never be justified no matter how hard you try pain is still pain it will not change into respect it will not change into love pain will always be pain.

 Is there such a thing ? even if there isn't, i believe there is. In this lifetime, i've been through several emotional scams. HAHA I don't trust people that easily, but once i decide to trust them, i give them my everything. like i pour out my heart and soul; and carry whatever burden and difficulties they have with me as well. But there are times when my judgement get the best of me and i turn out getting treated in a way that hurts me deeply. I get confused tho, do you think they did that intentionally ? knwoing it would hurt me the way it did ? or is it logical to claim that it was unintentional? I feel like it would hurt me more to know if it was unintentional. isnt that just way too cruel ? it's basically saying  "i dont know you that much, nor do i care about you that much. i am just being me, and yeah, sorry if that hurt you, but this is me, i can't change me" Hunneyh, people do change, they change for the better, for the people they care and love,...

 I choose to live life with love and full of love, always. Shower people with love, show them kindness, bring goodness, share beautiful moments together, be understanding, have empathy and listen as much as you want to be heard. Most importantly, always try my absolute best. Love God for all the great things He gave you and all the harm He protected you from and all the good He blessed you with. All of which made you the person you are today Love can mean so many things, but i hope we don't ever forget to love ourselves enough to know when we have sustained enough pain that it's time to take step back.  It is important to heal and reconnect with ourselves, reassess our values, have clarity and be more clear-headed at where we're heading in life. It can happen alone, or it can happen together with someone. Loving yourself, is not selfish. It only becomes selfish when we aren't self aware of our state. what is self aware ? it's the state of knowing yourself, all the b...