Hakuna Matata

i want to be sad and sappy, but nobody wants to be with the sad and sappy me

"What are words if you really don't mean them when you say them, what are words if they're only only for good times and that's all" -Chris Medina  I have been listening to this song during my high school days, and i remember these lyrics clearly until today. These words are true, we spit out all sorts of words without considering the kind of hope we spark and enlighten in someone's heart, sometimes we fulfill it, sometimes we don't. Imagine the hopelessness and broken hearts we caused by the hopes we accidentally gave out with no sense of responsibility to fulfill them. I want to blame someone for the way that i am made. I always feel like I'm a difficult person to my family, friends, or whoever who tries to get closer. I feel like i push people away, and i built walls so high that everyone finally just gives up. But that's the thing, i don't know how to let people in easily. The only path is the rough path i created and only i know all the tes

 No matter what you say, no matter how hard you try to put it into words, it just doesn't get through. I guess if a mind is already set in stone to not accept what you say, then whatever you say would not matter. It would not matter at all. As strong as I try to be, I'm still weak.  I'm not that strong to continue fighting towards a journey where I feel like I'm alone. Of all the phases in life, I have never felt as lonely as I do now. In the past I felt like I have a few faces I could turn to, but day by day the number of faces that I feel confident enough to not feel like a burden to, slowly reduces to a number near zero Yes one, there's only few I'm confident enough to expose myself, to be 100% myself, to be totally clingy and not feel like a burden. And if I lose them, I'm pretty sure I can't stay sane anymore.

Life is truly extremely complicated. My mind keeps wondering to different places that maybe it should go to, but maybe it shouldn't too. My latest thoughts are is there really anything we could use to measure what we deserve ? are we even deserving enough to question what we deserve? people on social media keep on supporting each other with sentences like "you deserve better than that"  but how and why am i deserving of something better than that? maybe it is what i deserve, that's why it happened to me but also maybe it's not what i constantly deserve because with each events we keep on learning and learning so what we deserve maybe constantly changing as we grow yeah, i dont know, i just wondered for a split second am i that great to say that i deserve better? am i good enough to believe i deserve better? what do i actually deserve? we'll never know, just keep living life and everything will unfold.

 its really hard trying to not question why do i deserves this why do i have to go thru this but sometimes i find my own answers there's always space to better but it doesn't mean all the bad things will go away when u strive to better bad things will continue to happen cause bad things are what reminds you to always try to be better its kinda like a notification from god everytime i question things, i start to think of my imperfect solah, my half-hearted dua, my non-existence sunnah, my quiet zikr. the only time that i truly desperately call out to Him is when i want to question why does these things happen to me but before i open my mouth i am humbled by my own deeds that are as bare minimum as possible who am i to question what He gives me when i dont do much for Him too it feels good to trust that a higher being is watching over you and in control of what happens and knows what is best for you but that trust must be fulfilled with trust in ourselves as well. we must work to

Should i look deep into this Should i overthink this Should i just give up on everything i feel like giving up a lot but nobody's gonna catch me so i cant give up cause i am my own safety net everytime i want to let go i have to split myself in two one, to allow me to feel sad, broken and finally give up two, to make me feel better and keep me strong i feel crazy ughh, whatever.

 Is there such a thing like loving someone so selflessly, and unconditionally. We live in a really selfish world and i find that i am selfish sometimes too. Is it bad to be selfless only when someone is selfless to you too. Is it bad to not take the first step to be selfless but wait for other people to be selfless first. I think that's just me and my heart waiting for our values to be confirmed of being worthy and valuable enough to someone for them to be selfless. Do i really deserve a selfless and unconditional love ? i hope i do and if i cant be selfless to people, i hope my heart is big enough to always be selfless to Allah and always always remember all these bounties are all from him. Good luck out there shakirah.

Today i realized that one of the biggest gift, a parent can give to their children, especially growing up, is trust. To be trusted to do whatever you do, is like being given wings to fly. The confidence that we always needed to push forward in life comes from the trust that our parents give us. To some, it may feel like nothing as it has been given from the early beginnings. But for others, trust feels like a breath of fresh air, trust feel a lot like love too, and trust feels warm and it gives you lightness and joy. sometimes i feel like I've been tip toeing around my whole life, so scared of god knows what.  i never really did anything wrong, i just feel like i might be wrong, that i might do something wrong, i feel like i was born to mess up someday. But nope, i never did anything so wrong. If i was a mother to a kid like me, i'd be proud.  That's when i realized i'm good enough. And now that i've gained the trust that i never got, i feel a lot lighter, and a bit

There are just times when you feel really bad unwanted, unloved, incapable and so much more I'm in that state right now I feel unloved and unwanted as the people who is supposed to love and care for me doesn't seem to I feel incapable cause i am unable to do tasks which someone like me should have mastered long ago I feel weak cause when someone important to me needs financial help, i cant really afford to help And i am angry at myself, for always finding time to waste when there a million other things i could do to use the time Aging does not suddenly make you awesome The worst thing about ageing is the mind I've seen and felt too many things and now my mind wont ever stop doubting myself, doubting other people, doubting the future, always scared and worried for all the littlest and pettiest things. I wish i could break free and live life with a soul of a kid and a body of an adult.

Never thought there would actually come a day where we celebrate eid, the way we did yesterday. it was simple, close knit, no balik kampung, no going from one house to another house. Just a meal with close family and those few that couldn't go back to their parents. It's both sad and eye-opening too. It's sad because we all know deep down that raya can be so much more, involve more family, visiting those we don't usually visit, ensuring bonds are not broken, wishing well for everyone.  But it's surprisingly eye opening because it wasn't as sad as it sounds, mainly because, through all of this, we have learnt to be more grateful of what we do have.We have a roof upon our head, good food served on the table, have people we love and who loves us too whether near or far, some social interaction and good health alhamdulillah. The act of being grateful has made us all more positive, more thankful and not as sad as all of us expected to be, because at the end of the d

Hey it's been a while, and it's been a tough and lonely month, but it is absolutely necessary. i truly pray and hope that everyone is coping and finding the joys in the little things. One thing that sparks joy for me right now, is a nice sweet drink. Not that healthy, but it makes me happy. Plus we're fasting anyways, so nothing wrong with a cup of sweetness. Anyways, what i really want to talk about is about love. Yeah i know, i always write about deep stuff and feelings, but i really enjoy it, and sometimes i wonder if there are other people who thinks the way that i do. all this while, i strongly believe, in the kind of love that makes u a better person, a kind of love that flows through your actions. In my head, with love, there is no way that you would do anything bad, treat those you love poorly. but instead, because of love, you'll try your best to be there, support those you love endlessly, be kind of selfless, able to tolerate and treat them well. What ma

Dear shakirah, I can't believe it that we've made it this far. These past few years have been equally challenging and beautiful and i believe that every moment we went through are important lessons in life that we had to learn. Therefore, for all the challenges we fought, for all the beautiful memories we created, for all the love we shared, i am thankful. You are an amazing and wonderful person but i doubt that you see yourself the way i do. It's unbelievable to me that you grew up to become this amazing woman with hopes and dreams glimmering in your eyes, its a joy to see that you are passionate, brave yet always so kind and full of heart. You truly are sincere and i know a lot of people are touched by you, inspired by you, motivated by you, that's just how amazing you are. I for one know, you've had difficult and dark days, more than you'd like to admit. you've had days, that no one could even guessed you have ever been through such things in your

Hello and assalamulaikum The world is a very interesting place indeed. With all the good things it gives you, ,there are certainly bad things, and these are what comes as challenges to us. Recently i had a bad experience with complete strangers. It's so weird how complete strangers can suddenly judge you and say bad things about you. i'm trying to ignore that fact. i think i'm okay. But what makes me sad mostly is because, why do people sort to negative ways to face things, why not comment constructively, why not share  the knowledge you have. Not trying to be ego or anything, but it's not like i made a mistake or did something terribly wrong. The only thing i did is, i was lacking, but i'm always always open for suggestions and teachings because i love knowledge and knowledge is such a pure thing. Not everyone has the kind of knowledge i have and not everyone has the kind of knowledge you have. that's why we exist in this world together, to share and help

Hi and assalamualaikum 2020 so far has been good to me. I have started a fresh new life, 360 degrees different from the life i lived last year. And as scary as that sounds, its off to a way better start and feels 100% better than my whole 2019 already. okay, im sounding a bit bitter now, not that there were no great things in 2019, of course there were, but 2019 was a crazy enormous and endless emotional burden to me. First and foremost, id like to recap some of my best moments in 2019. 1. Going to perhentian island with my little syeh fazassfan family 2. My master's convocation ceremony attended by people i love most 3. Repairing the heck out of my sick car which btw is running smoothly altho it doesnt look pretty. haha 4. My close to nature moment (bukit batu putih - port dickson, bukit cerakah - shah alam) i wish i'd hike  and cylced more tho, i love it 5. Malacca trip with bride-to-be mira (my childhood bestfriend) 6. Ipoh trip with amna and dongsaeng 7. Day trip

Hi and assalamualaikum I cannot believe that it is finally 2020. I have made big decisions last year to pursue a different life this year. I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm anxious, but I'm happy too. Deep down in my gut, this feels right. If you ask me a year ago whether i would have made the same decision, I dare say i definitely would have not made the decisions that led me to where i am today. But that's the thing, a lot of  things can happen in a year and god is great really. He showed me why the decision that i initially didn't want, is the best decision i can make now. Alhamduillah, it's only been a few days, but i feel good. I feel like i can do this. I know for sure it's gonna be hard as hell, but hey, when has my life ever been easy. So, i'm just gonna look ahead, step forward and march through this new journey whole-heartedly. He put me here, there must be a grand reason behind it. Sooner or later it will be uncovered. As for now,