Hakuna Matata

i miss you tami. i'm starting to miss meh (my grandma) too. i dreamt of meh the other day, she hugged me, and kissed my cheeks, i hugged her and kissed her cheeks too. her hug was so warm it felt so real. i woke up crying my heart out i am overwhelmed and touched am i doing well meh ? i hope i am. i hope you and tami are doing well too. one day we'll see each other again.

Getami has left us, left this world on a Friday evening of the 2nd of December 2022. I will miss and remember everything about tami, my sweet sweet tami. He has the cutest smile and the strongest memory. Every time i visit him, he knows what i'm currently doing, he remembers the names of my nieces and nephews. I remember him writing all significant dates of events and phone numbers on his bedroom wall, one of it was the date of my grandma's passing. Honestly because of him i remember she passed on february 2004. He used to enjoy smoking tembakau with a rolled news paper or that leafy thing that kinda smells nice whatever that is. In the old house he used to lie outside in the evening on the green floor and talk super loudly and when we asked him who he's talking to, he would say he is talking to the devil, (pretty sure he's in heaven tho) which is really funny and borderline scary to me when i was a kid. He would always buy chewing gum for us back in the day when chewin

 ya Allah am i really that strong ? i see you've given me tests after tests after test. can i really make it out of all of these test and be okay ? am i really that able ? i feel like i breakdown way too much is this okay ? am i really doing well ? Do you think i'm handling these tests well ? i feel so weak, i smile to everyone and cry everytime i turn am i faking it or is this just the way to handle all of this ? honestly i have no idea.  i've been on autopilot mode since longer than i can remember please guide me and give me strength. please lead me into the right direction, towards the right decision, closer and closer to peace and love. i plead to you Allah. help me.

currently unable to walk, and rely on people a lot and mentally i'm not that frustrated with myself, like it's just a phase and i'm okay. my problem is, i keep getting worried that i might bother other people. there was something i googled earlier in the day and now that i think about it i'm sad. i googled ' how to be a good sick person' and guess what, there were no answers,  google only gave me how to be good TO a sick person.  why am i built full of guilt ?

has any year feel as bad as this year has it really ? last year was hella difficult too, like believe me but at least it was seasonal and it was empowering and obviously a good lesson and a good experience but what the heck is all this ? why is this year generally so difficult i feel like i'm being attacked from every possible angle I dont cry a lot, but i drop a tear everyday Life feels sad, futile and kind of empty OMG i am grateful, like i am blessed in so many ways i have family, i have caring friends, i have good surroundings in general i have a home, i have food and i can have coffee when i want, alhamdulillah but i feel sad, for no reason and for every reason everytime i meet people, i'm putting my act up my daily rise and shine personality but when i get home, or when i'm alone,  i am in a state of sadness and pity everytime anyone calls or texts me honestly i dread it everytime i use to look forward to some people but even those select few requires a lot of energy

 A friend of mine passed today. I've known her for quite sometime. We were never close or anything, but we were always around each other for quite awhile. Her room was facing mine during foundation, she was my course mate throughout degree, and our rooms were facing each other during our master's degree.  Life just seems so futile today, but not in a bad way, it's futile in a sense that it is reminding me of how this world is not the end, we are all just passing through it, to get to the other end of this life, the hereafter. She's a very kind person, and i truly pray that Allah grants her jannah. This incident is just making me reflect a lot on my life and my vain contribution and hardwork towards akhirah. I really dont feel that ive been doing much at all. Do better shakirah Please do better You have time But not for long.

i lied i never did recover not sure if i ever will pain hurts you deeply, wildly into the crevices of your soul i want to be good person maybe even a great person  a person that leaves a luminous print on people's hearts and minds  but now i give up  i barely have a soul to hang on to  and clearly no soul to share  i truly wonder how i keep this facade  this strong, good willed, brave mature, caring, sensible facade  what a character i've carried  but i'm truly tired now  i just want to leave this body  lean back  and watch my life story unfold  I don't want to be apart of this anymore. 

 k done i have recovered go ahead, gimme your best shot pipol ! i want fall, i'll get hurt a bit, but i'll be fine as i always do you can do this same thing over and over again i will still be fine with every pain you give i keep judging you analyzing you profiling you and categorizing you into something less and less important less important emotionally all i have is a basic sense of respect from human to human from a younger person to an older one nothing more than that it's sad but it is what is you cannot hurt people and expect them to take you and love you as you are cruel things, bad things you've done will never be justified no matter how hard you try pain is still pain it will not change into respect it will not change into love pain will always be pain.

 Is there such a thing ? even if there isn't, i believe there is. In this lifetime, i've been through several emotional scams. HAHA I don't trust people that easily, but once i decide to trust them, i give them my everything. like i pour out my heart and soul; and carry whatever burden and difficulties they have with me as well. But there are times when my judgement get the best of me and i turn out getting treated in a way that hurts me deeply. I get confused tho, do you think they did that intentionally ? knwoing it would hurt me the way it did ? or is it logical to claim that it was unintentional? I feel like it would hurt me more to know if it was unintentional. isnt that just way too cruel ? it's basically saying  "i dont know you that much, nor do i care about you that much. i am just being me, and yeah, sorry if that hurt you, but this is me, i can't change me" Hunneyh, people do change, they change for the better, for the people they care and love,

 I choose to live life with love and full of love, always. Shower people with love, show them kindness, bring goodness, share beautiful moments together, be understanding, have empathy and listen as much as you want to be heard. Most importantly, always try my absolute best. Love God for all the great things He gave you and all the harm He protected you from and all the good He blessed you with. All of which made you the person you are today Love can mean so many things, but i hope we don't ever forget to love ourselves enough to know when we have sustained enough pain that it's time to take step back.  It is important to heal and reconnect with ourselves, reassess our values, have clarity and be more clear-headed at where we're heading in life. It can happen alone, or it can happen together with someone. Loving yourself, is not selfish. It only becomes selfish when we aren't self aware of our state. what is self aware ? it's the state of knowing yourself, all the b

Like trickling water, like the rising sun slowly but surely, step by step it keeps moving forward embracing the wounds and cold making it painless, making it warm making me forget and making me smile.

Wind is blowing ever so softly cooling my flushed cheeks the air has finally changed. Dried leaves, petals and flowers  quietly being blown far far away while new buds start to bloom day by day with anticipation growing ever so lovely grandiose to the eyes snug to the heart

 Hello and welcome to 2022 Life has been tough, i mean it always is tough, if it's too good, i might be dead and gone to heaven already. So let me correct that, life has been same old same old, just as it is supposed to be. Usually i would lament being older, and entering a new year. But this year i am sort of excited for myself. I'm just excited for myself because honestly i am just so proud of me. I've seen so many things happen to so many people and watch how they react to each situation and mann, I don't mean to be rude or what, but fuhh, i'm handling life quite well actually, and that's all thanks to Allah of course, i wouldn't be okay at all without Alah guiding me every step of the way. Anyways, everytime i reflect on everything i have in life, i feel so loved by Allah SWT. Alhamdulillah, i have more than enough. So 2021 ended really warmly and i believe 2021 is the year of family rediscovery for me. Something has changed within my parents soul, somet