Hakuna Matata

 No matter what you say, no matter how hard you try to put it into words, it just doesn't get through. I guess if a mind is already set in stone to not accept what you say, then whatever you say would not matter. It would not matter at all. As strong as I try to be, I'm still weak.  I'm not that strong to continue fighting towards a journey where I feel like I'm alone. Of all the phases in life, I have never felt as lonely as I do now. In the past I felt like I have a few faces I could turn to, but day by day the number of faces that I feel confident enough to not feel like a burden to, slowly reduces to a number near zero Yes one, there's only few I'm confident enough to expose myself, to be 100% myself, to be totally clingy and not feel like a burden. And if I lose them, I'm pretty sure I can't stay sane anymore.

Life is truly extremely complicated. My mind keeps wondering to different places that maybe it should go to, but maybe it shouldn't too. My latest thoughts are is there really anything we could use to measure what we deserve ? are we even deserving enough to question what we deserve? people on social media keep on supporting each other with sentences like "you deserve better than that"  but how and why am i deserving of something better than that? maybe it is what i deserve, that's why it happened to me but also maybe it's not what i constantly deserve because with each events we keep on learning and learning so what we deserve maybe constantly changing as we grow yeah, i dont know, i just wondered for a split second am i that great to say that i deserve better? am i good enough to believe i deserve better? what do i actually deserve? we'll never know, just keep living life and everything will unfold.

 its really hard trying to not question why do i deserves this why do i have to go thru this but sometimes i find my own answers there's always space to better but it doesn't mean all the bad things will go away when u strive to better bad things will continue to happen cause bad things are what reminds you to always try to be better its kinda like a notification from god everytime i question things, i start to think of my imperfect solah, my half-hearted dua, my non-existence sunnah, my quiet zikr. the only time that i truly desperately call out to Him is when i want to question why does these things happen to me but before i open my mouth i am humbled by my own deeds that are as bare minimum as possible who am i to question what He gives me when i dont do much for Him too it feels good to trust that a higher being is watching over you and in control of what happens and knows what is best for you but that trust must be fulfilled with trust in ourselves as well. we must work to

Should i look deep into this Should i overthink this Should i just give up on everything i feel like giving up a lot but nobody's gonna catch me so i cant give up cause i am my own safety net everytime i want to let go i have to split myself in two one, to allow me to feel sad, broken and finally give up two, to make me feel better and keep me strong i feel crazy ughh, whatever.

 Is there such a thing like loving someone so selflessly, and unconditionally. We live in a really selfish world and i find that i am selfish sometimes too. Is it bad to be selfless only when someone is selfless to you too. Is it bad to not take the first step to be selfless but wait for other people to be selfless first. I think that's just me and my heart waiting for our values to be confirmed of being worthy and valuable enough to someone for them to be selfless. Do i really deserve a selfless and unconditional love ? i hope i do and if i cant be selfless to people, i hope my heart is big enough to always be selfless to Allah and always always remember all these bounties are all from him. Good luck out there shakirah.